Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Now looking back over what has been an interesting career (if we can call it that) I notice that being the Marine was the easy part. I could wake up at 0500 in the morning go for a 3-6 mile run, get the boys started on the daily tasks and manage a platoon of at times up to 70 Marines and million dollars of equipment. Putting together a patrol order and briefing it was a breeze. Going on patrol and engaging the enemy was fun and gave me a rush that I felt was needed. Leaving home for a year and volunteering for assignments that I didn't have to, was a sense of duty. But what I failed at was finishing up and the day and going home to be a Father and Husband. After a day of work I need what I thought was time to myself which often led me to spending hours on the computer on different forums or in the recliner sleep waiting on dinner to be cooked by the wife, who was at the time a Marine also. I became complacent and figured that because of my success at work, she would love me for it. We had what I thought was everything. The house, the cars, the dogs and the fenced in back yard. Come to find out it's what she cared less about. All this time I was thinking that being the successful Marine is what she wanted. What she really wanted was a Father to the girls and "a rock" to her. Someone that she could depend on when she had a bad day. I had lost touch with what I wanted from the beginning. I told myself that my family would come first and they were who I was putting on the back burner. Just simple things like getting in the floor and playing with my girls, reading a book to them or sitting on the couch doing crossword puzzles with her where things that I let go. Instead I chose to work extra hours at the office or take what I thought was much needed time to myself.
Over the last 3 years, I have had time to put things into perspective and learn from my mistakes. It's funny that what I neglected is what I need and want most now. One thing that I was always told by my leaders in the Marine Corps is family should always come first because there will be one day that the Marine Corps will show you the door weather you do 4 years or 30 years and once you're done all that you will have left is family. Now I have neither. I now look back and wonder how was it easy to excel in one of the most elite organizations on the planet and fail at what should be natural.
Starting over I have a new outlook on what should take priority. With my new found sobriety I have made steps to becoming a better person, a better Father, and a better mate. I refuse to believe that I will never have a family of my own again. Yes there should be a sense of pride in what you do for a living, but at the same time the most important things should come first. I've have learned and mom-ma always told me that hind sight is always 20/20 and when it becomes fogged is when you have a problem because now you are failing to learn from past mistakes. You can not afford to lose those that have the potential to be there for you forever.
Friday, November 4, 2011
By: Phillip Spence Jr.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The hardest part of recovery is that it requires us to change. We might be intrigued by the idea of recovery. We might be inspired by stories about recovery. We might be very well convienced of our need for recovery. These and many other cognitive processes are relatively easy for us. But the doing of recovery will be hard because we MUST change. And change is difficult. We are angry that we have to change. We feel shame that we need to change. And we are afraid that we will not be able to change. We know that there will be moments when we find ourselves saying "I can't do it. It's too difficult."
When to it comes to others around us, change can be difficulty in that aspect. They expect the behavior from us that they have become use too. Many are use to having to be in control or do for us and it's something that THEY must overcome and we cannot sacrifice our sobriety for anyone and at that time we may feel even lonelier thatn when we used.
Being a single father an the only "friends" that I had don't come around anymore. Many say it's out of respect because the only time we did hang out was when we were drinking. I find myself alone a lot of times and I ask myself, is change worth the loneliness that I feel at times. I look at how far through life I have come after I have left the Oaks and there is way more positive than negatives. It started with honesty though. With honesty comes the opening for change. This has caused a lot of hurt feelings by not going to my old places and hanging out with the old friends. They don't understand why I can't go and not drink. But I have to explain it to them so that they understand. It's only then that SOME understand and are willing to let go. Change is the most difficult and the most wonderful part of the recovery process for me. It engages us in a major internal battle. It is not comfortable battle. But our capacity to change is the key.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
To me sobriety is a way of life. Being able to live a better and more purposeful life. By applying the principles of the program and allowing God (Higher Power) to direct me, has helped me move through challenges that I would have thought impossible before. Sobriety is so much more than not using your drug of choice. Abstinence and sobriety are necessary. Both play an equal part on healthy and meaningful living. It gives us the ability to accept reality while affirming in your life both faith and meaning.